Sunday thoughts (among others, a confession)

Lots of thoughts today, and of a great variety. I’ll start with a list and then pick one to go with.

1 - The Panthers are playing the Ravens, currently on top, just short of half time. I have it on in the background.
2 - I’ve got my Sunday afternoon, post-nap coffee gurgling in the kitchen. Mmmm…
3 - I’ve been spending a lot of time with the OT prophets, lately with Isaiah and Amos. There is much meat to chew on in the prophets, and I am beginning to think that everything in the OT needs to be framed by an understanding of the prophets. They are central, they are it. They are the only prophets who left words of their own, and they have such fire, such insight, such poetry. They are so compelling – and the more I learn about the context in which they spoke their fierce messages, the more they make sense, and the more meaning they have.

4 - I went into church today with a good attitude. As soon as the music started, I still had a good attitude, but I wasn’t singing along with very much conviction. “You are good, all the time; all the time, you are good.” This is the theme of most Christian music today, variations on the theme. Instead I found myself thinking that I wasn’t always sure if God was good all the time. Or, how do I know God is beautiful? I can’t see God, can’t hear him, can’t smell him, can’t touch him, can’t taste him. Metaphors aside, the truth is that I can’t. I say this not as a complaint, but as a lament. I wish I was more able to just enter into that state where I can focus on God and say, “You are good, and I am happy about it.”

Why is my experience of God so tainted right now? What will it take to break free into being glad that I know God, instead of counting it a burden? I don’t think I will stop believing anytime soon, but I do it now because I know it I need to, I know it’s true, but I just don’t feel it.

Later something in Michael’s talk made me realize that I had an unacknowledged grudge against someone else in the church. This person easily annoys me because I feel he is just plain rude and crass, and he seems to see nothing wrong with it. Of course, I just hold it in and have let the ill will build up over the last few weeks, and now I realize I’ve been that person, the self-righteous look-down-his-nose that I find distasteful, and who is so frustrating because he is wrong and blind to it. I am what I hate. And one reason I write this is as a confession, and to repent.

The other reason is that I wonder it’s these kinds of things that hold me back from enjoying God, being stuck in my own “I’m the greatest” bubble. I need to have my bubble burst from time to time, and I really do need to spend time alone asking God to clear out my heart before I come to worship, because it’s important, and it doesn’t have to mean my whole faith is happy-go-lucky (because I promise you, it never will be), but it is important to come before God and speak to him in admiration. I hope it’s okay that, at least right now, I’m not super emotional about it, but all I want is to say it aloud without having second thoughts in my head. Is that too much to ask? Too much to hope for?

5 - The last thing I was thinking about today was using Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages to address God. Words of Affirmation (which is what musical worship would be about); Quality Time (reading Scripture et al, journaling, praying); Acts of Service (devoting service to other people, as Jesus said we ought to; serving at a church perhaps, or whatever); Gifts (same as last, just giving monies and things for needs that God brings to our attention); Physical Touch (I don’t know how this would work, actually).

Well, those are my thoughts for today. They are long, they are varied, they are what they are.

Go Panthers! Sipping coffee is a great way to spend the afternoon.