I changed the title of my blog, for two reasons. First, I've come to think my original title - "Hold On, I'm Thinking" - is actually kind of dumb. It’s bland and vague. My current title "Preston's Page... Better Title Pending" is equally as bland, but at least it’s not as vague! Progress, right?
Second, I'm going to shift my theme. Since I didn't really have a theme before, the change is that now I have a theme, a modus operandi: From now on, the Bible will be the epicenter of my writing. Meaning, I'm going to explore it piece by piece in as much depth as I can manage at one time. History, theology, politics, textual criticism, social ramifications… basically, an amateur commentary. I guess that makes it sound bland and boring (how many people are eager to read commentaries?) but I can't think of a better way to explain what's in my head. I'm just going to have to start, and show you what I'm all about.
I am a bit hesitant about this change. Looking for insight and direction in the Bible gets kind of a bad rap in America, and I am, I admit, afraid of being deemed anti-intellectual or just plain stupid. I am also skeptical of people bringing it into the public arena, because most of those people are Christians, and – I'm going to be brutally honest – I think that most Christians are pretty dumb when it comes to our holy book, as well as a lot of other subjects. Christians should be leaders, but we tend to lag behind. The sciences, politics, business, education, philosophy, the arts, social development… you name it. We're not even the leading experts on our own Scripture. Why???
It’s really not right of me to be so cynical. I know it, and once I finally take the time to self examine, it dawns on me how awfully selfish I’ve been. It cuts me deeply, because despite all my frustration with America, all my frustration with American Christians, I care very deeply about the Church, and about Christians, and I know I can’t take credit for that. So I repent of my self-righteousness; after all, I’m no better. I have no reason to be proud. When I’m in my right mind, I know I would rather serve than point fingers. This is what God is calling me to do.
And that is what I am venturing to do with this blog. I am going to delve into Scripture. I am going to go as deep as I can, to learn, to share, to grow, to change. I’m looking forward to it. My main challenge will be to stick with it.
So… anybody have a good idea for a title?
Monday, October 30
Sunday, October 15
Sunday thoughts (among others, a confession)
Lots of thoughts today, and of a great variety. I’ll start with a list and then pick one to go with.
1 - The Panthers are playing the Ravens, currently on top, just short of half time. I have it on in the background.
2 - I’ve got my Sunday afternoon, post-nap coffee gurgling in the kitchen. Mmmm…
3 - I’ve been spending a lot of time with the OT prophets, lately with Isaiah and Amos. There is much meat to chew on in the prophets, and I am beginning to think that everything in the OT needs to be framed by an understanding of the prophets. They are central, they are it. They are the only prophets who left words of their own, and they have such fire, such insight, such poetry. They are so compelling – and the more I learn about the context in which they spoke their fierce messages, the more they make sense, and the more meaning they have.
4 - I went into church today with a good attitude. As soon as the music started, I still had a good attitude, but I wasn’t singing along with very much conviction. “You are good, all the time; all the time, you are good.” This is the theme of most Christian music today, variations on the theme. Instead I found myself thinking that I wasn’t always sure if God was good all the time. Or, how do I know God is beautiful? I can’t see God, can’t hear him, can’t smell him, can’t touch him, can’t taste him. Metaphors aside, the truth is that I can’t. I say this not as a complaint, but as a lament. I wish I was more able to just enter into that state where I can focus on God and say, “You are good, and I am happy about it.”
Why is my experience of God so tainted right now? What will it take to break free into being glad that I know God, instead of counting it a burden? I don’t think I will stop believing anytime soon, but I do it now because I know it I need to, I know it’s true, but I just don’t feel it.
Later something in Michael’s talk made me realize that I had an unacknowledged grudge against someone else in the church. This person easily annoys me because I feel he is just plain rude and crass, and he seems to see nothing wrong with it. Of course, I just hold it in and have let the ill will build up over the last few weeks, and now I realize I’ve been that person, the self-righteous look-down-his-nose that I find distasteful, and who is so frustrating because he is wrong and blind to it. I am what I hate. And one reason I write this is as a confession, and to repent.
The other reason is that I wonder it’s these kinds of things that hold me back from enjoying God, being stuck in my own “I’m the greatest” bubble. I need to have my bubble burst from time to time, and I really do need to spend time alone asking God to clear out my heart before I come to worship, because it’s important, and it doesn’t have to mean my whole faith is happy-go-lucky (because I promise you, it never will be), but it is important to come before God and speak to him in admiration. I hope it’s okay that, at least right now, I’m not super emotional about it, but all I want is to say it aloud without having second thoughts in my head. Is that too much to ask? Too much to hope for?
5 - The last thing I was thinking about today was using Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages to address God. Words of Affirmation (which is what musical worship would be about); Quality Time (reading Scripture et al, journaling, praying); Acts of Service (devoting service to other people, as Jesus said we ought to; serving at a church perhaps, or whatever); Gifts (same as last, just giving monies and things for needs that God brings to our attention); Physical Touch (I don’t know how this would work, actually).
Well, those are my thoughts for today. They are long, they are varied, they are what they are.
Go Panthers! Sipping coffee is a great way to spend the afternoon.
1 - The Panthers are playing the Ravens, currently on top, just short of half time. I have it on in the background.
2 - I’ve got my Sunday afternoon, post-nap coffee gurgling in the kitchen. Mmmm…
3 - I’ve been spending a lot of time with the OT prophets, lately with Isaiah and Amos. There is much meat to chew on in the prophets, and I am beginning to think that everything in the OT needs to be framed by an understanding of the prophets. They are central, they are it. They are the only prophets who left words of their own, and they have such fire, such insight, such poetry. They are so compelling – and the more I learn about the context in which they spoke their fierce messages, the more they make sense, and the more meaning they have.
4 - I went into church today with a good attitude. As soon as the music started, I still had a good attitude, but I wasn’t singing along with very much conviction. “You are good, all the time; all the time, you are good.” This is the theme of most Christian music today, variations on the theme. Instead I found myself thinking that I wasn’t always sure if God was good all the time. Or, how do I know God is beautiful? I can’t see God, can’t hear him, can’t smell him, can’t touch him, can’t taste him. Metaphors aside, the truth is that I can’t. I say this not as a complaint, but as a lament. I wish I was more able to just enter into that state where I can focus on God and say, “You are good, and I am happy about it.”
Why is my experience of God so tainted right now? What will it take to break free into being glad that I know God, instead of counting it a burden? I don’t think I will stop believing anytime soon, but I do it now because I know it I need to, I know it’s true, but I just don’t feel it.
Later something in Michael’s talk made me realize that I had an unacknowledged grudge against someone else in the church. This person easily annoys me because I feel he is just plain rude and crass, and he seems to see nothing wrong with it. Of course, I just hold it in and have let the ill will build up over the last few weeks, and now I realize I’ve been that person, the self-righteous look-down-his-nose that I find distasteful, and who is so frustrating because he is wrong and blind to it. I am what I hate. And one reason I write this is as a confession, and to repent.
The other reason is that I wonder it’s these kinds of things that hold me back from enjoying God, being stuck in my own “I’m the greatest” bubble. I need to have my bubble burst from time to time, and I really do need to spend time alone asking God to clear out my heart before I come to worship, because it’s important, and it doesn’t have to mean my whole faith is happy-go-lucky (because I promise you, it never will be), but it is important to come before God and speak to him in admiration. I hope it’s okay that, at least right now, I’m not super emotional about it, but all I want is to say it aloud without having second thoughts in my head. Is that too much to ask? Too much to hope for?
5 - The last thing I was thinking about today was using Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages to address God. Words of Affirmation (which is what musical worship would be about); Quality Time (reading Scripture et al, journaling, praying); Acts of Service (devoting service to other people, as Jesus said we ought to; serving at a church perhaps, or whatever); Gifts (same as last, just giving monies and things for needs that God brings to our attention); Physical Touch (I don’t know how this would work, actually).
Well, those are my thoughts for today. They are long, they are varied, they are what they are.
Go Panthers! Sipping coffee is a great way to spend the afternoon.
Tuesday, October 10
Just a thought
I had a strange thought earlier today, on the way to work (which is where I am right now, so this has to be brief) - imagine if there were only two people in the world, one of them blind, the other one mute. The blind guy would not know that the mute one existed (unless they touched). And just for kicks, imagine they are on a desert island. How about the LOST island - that would be trippy. Of course, if they crash landed there the blind guy would get his sight back and the mute guy could talk... but that ruins my thought experiment.
Alternately, a deaf guy and an invisible guy. The deaf guy wouldn't know the invisible guy was there.
In both cases, it does not mean that the mute guy did not exist, nor the invisible guy.
You see where I am going with this. And now that I realize where I am going, I think I'll stop before it really starts sounding cliche.
Alternately, a deaf guy and an invisible guy. The deaf guy wouldn't know the invisible guy was there.
In both cases, it does not mean that the mute guy did not exist, nor the invisible guy.
You see where I am going with this. And now that I realize where I am going, I think I'll stop before it really starts sounding cliche.
Friday, October 6
Pictures of the house... before demolition began...
So... we've begun tearing our new house apart, preparing to put in new floor, new paint, new counters, new... well just as new as we can get it. We'll keep taking pictures, and keep posting them. At least, we'll try...
Thursday, October 5
Oswald, briefly
Let me share what I read today of Oswald Chambers:
"The moral miracle of Redemption is that God can put into me a new disposition whereby I can live a totally new life..."
Sounds pretty good.
"...When I reach the frontier of need and know my limitations, Jesus says - 'Blessed are you.' But I have to get there. God cannot put into me, a responsible moral being, the disposition that was in Jesus Christ unless I am conscious I need it."
And that's where I have the most trouble. I consider myself, compared to most people (at least as I view them), responsible and moral. In light of Chambers' words, that is a confession, not a boast.
But I keep hoping that, and counting on, God is moving me to a place of need, so that I can move past it, to the new life part. Because I really want that, to be selfless, aware and loving of other people, attentive to the movings of the Spirit (big and small) - but I need to get to a point of need first. And it may take awhile, because I tend to be stubborn and rebellious.
That's it for now. Pictures of the house to come soon... and in other news, my hairline continues to recede.
"The moral miracle of Redemption is that God can put into me a new disposition whereby I can live a totally new life..."
Sounds pretty good.
"...When I reach the frontier of need and know my limitations, Jesus says - 'Blessed are you.' But I have to get there. God cannot put into me, a responsible moral being, the disposition that was in Jesus Christ unless I am conscious I need it."
And that's where I have the most trouble. I consider myself, compared to most people (at least as I view them), responsible and moral. In light of Chambers' words, that is a confession, not a boast.
But I keep hoping that, and counting on, God is moving me to a place of need, so that I can move past it, to the new life part. Because I really want that, to be selfless, aware and loving of other people, attentive to the movings of the Spirit (big and small) - but I need to get to a point of need first. And it may take awhile, because I tend to be stubborn and rebellious.
That's it for now. Pictures of the house to come soon... and in other news, my hairline continues to recede.
Monday, October 2
Job - as in the Bible
Lately I've been feeding my questioning, dare-to-be-different mind by reading Job and Amos, from the Old Testament. Amos I'll get to another time, but I ran across something about Job that I found very reassuring. I first read the Book of Job several years ago, and it became very apparent to me that Job was not a lovely example of longsuffering and faith, as I had heard in church and Bible classes. I think the favorite line is "Though he slay me, yet will I trust him" (13:15)
What about "Will you (God) never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?" (7:19). Or "God assails me and tears me in his anger and gnashes his teeth at me" (16:9) or "I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer; I stand up, but you merely look at me. You turn on me ruthlessly; with the might of your hand you attack me" (30:20-21). He was a doubter, he got mad at God, hopping mad, more mad and hurt and pain-blinded than I've ever been. He doubted God - constantly.
The thought that struck me today was this, a quote from Soren Kierkegaard: "The secret in Job, the vital force, the nerve, the idea, is that Job, despite everything, is in the right." We know this because God says so, "My anger burns against you (Eliphaz) and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has."
In other words, faith and doubt are not opposites, as I've heard so often. Doubting God is important, essential, even relational. Maybe it's like the mortar between bricks, it cements the relationship, as long as it doesn't break you. Then, even when it does, how many people have I heard say, "I turned away from God - but God found me."
So doubters - keep doubting, just don't stop engaging God. Bring what you have against him to him, and see what he does. He may do something, he may do nothing, but what do you have to lose? Dignity? Overrated.
And you are full of bright faith, joy and loving wonder, be patient with those of us who still love God, but just need to be mad for awhile. God is bringing me back around. After all, there's a season for everything, right?
What about "Will you (God) never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?" (7:19). Or "God assails me and tears me in his anger and gnashes his teeth at me" (16:9) or "I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer; I stand up, but you merely look at me. You turn on me ruthlessly; with the might of your hand you attack me" (30:20-21). He was a doubter, he got mad at God, hopping mad, more mad and hurt and pain-blinded than I've ever been. He doubted God - constantly.
The thought that struck me today was this, a quote from Soren Kierkegaard: "The secret in Job, the vital force, the nerve, the idea, is that Job, despite everything, is in the right." We know this because God says so, "My anger burns against you (Eliphaz) and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has."
In other words, faith and doubt are not opposites, as I've heard so often. Doubting God is important, essential, even relational. Maybe it's like the mortar between bricks, it cements the relationship, as long as it doesn't break you. Then, even when it does, how many people have I heard say, "I turned away from God - but God found me."
So doubters - keep doubting, just don't stop engaging God. Bring what you have against him to him, and see what he does. He may do something, he may do nothing, but what do you have to lose? Dignity? Overrated.
And you are full of bright faith, joy and loving wonder, be patient with those of us who still love God, but just need to be mad for awhile. God is bringing me back around. After all, there's a season for everything, right?
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