On Death

I've been thinking about death ever since I heard about Jason Ray, the UNC mascot who died Monday morning after being struck by a car. I knew Jason. Not well, granted, but I was an Intervarsity small group leader the same time he was, and he was in Angie's adaptation of The Great Divorce. He was a good guy, a little rough around the edges (I'll be honest, I didn't always like him), but he was good. What little I know of him, he was not afraid to say what he was thinking, was not afraid to be open, and had a heart for people. He did a really good job in the Great Divorce, too.

He was 21 or 22 (not sure which). I am 23. And to be honest, I don't really want to die quite yet. I want to live a full life, even though I believe I have a place in heaven after I die, which I believe will overshadow anything I want to experience during this lifetime. But still, I'm kind of afraid of dying.

In my freshman year of college, when I had no friends and spent a lot of time in my room (which I didn't mind), I remember at one point praying about death. Not praying for it - I've never had to contend with suicidal thoughts - but about (please don't laugh, or think me too proud) how much the world would miss out on all my genius (for lack of a better word). As in, "I have so much unique potential, what a waste it would be if it was never realized."

God cured me of that. At the time, I came to terms with my imagined death by realizing that whatever uniqueness had been endowed upon me (my insights, especially), God would not waste. I thought, "Well, if I die, God will take everything he's given to me and give it to someone else to bring to the world." While I still believe that to be somewhat true, it is not the only reason the idea of my death is not so unjust anymore. God has done much to humble me over the years.

I also imagined my funeral. Morbid? Perhaps. I heard a story about a guy who planned his funeral as he waited for cancer to take his life. I thought, "Wow. I'd like to have the chance to plan my own funeral. I'll start with a U2 song." A bit romantic. And a little dumb.

I thought of it again yesterday when I heard this Jars of Clay song. I really wish I could find a link to the music, because it's one of my few favorites. I want this played at my funeral. Not because this is where I am - emotionally, spiritually, intellectually - but where I want to be.

When I go, don't cry for me
In my Father's arms I'll be
The wounds this world left on my soul
Will all be healed and I'll be whole.

There are days when I find myself in that place. Some days I get so fed up with the world that I just long for a better place. A better time, when all tears will be washed away - and not just mine. There are days when I feel a poignant longing when the dream of heaven will be fully realized, and all will be just and right and there will be no sin or grief.

And yet, I fear death. I don't desire it - not fully, not yet. I'm attached to this world, perhaps because I have lots left that I want to do. This world is not as it should be, and I want to live a full life to do what I can to make it more like what it should be. More like heaven, really.

And yet this does not explain why some people are taken before their full potential is realized. Jason's death seems nonsensical. Sudden, quick, without purpose. Popping whatever romantic dreams of death I've conjured.

Or perhaps it's not so nonsensical. Maybe planning my own funeral isn't just romantic hot air. Maybe in both there is an opportunity to consider heaven again, and the promise it holds. Though I'm afraid of dying, I'm not afraid of the after. Though those close to Jason surely will grieve, and I (farther away) will feel melancholy as I contemplate death - is it too cliche to say he may be in a better place?

I'll leave you with a few more lines from that song:

It don't matter where you bury me
I'll be home and I'll be free
It don't matter where I lay
All my tears be washed away

So, weep not for me my friends
When my time below does end
For my life belongs to Him
Who will raise the dead again.

Sermon on the Mount Pt.1

This week I've been reading Matthew 5-7, known as the "Sermon on the Mount." Much thanks goes out to Dallas Willard for bringing its importance and vitality to my attention, though I never did get all the way through "The Divine Conspiracy." One of these days I will... and maybe I'll just drag you along with me, unsuspecting reader! Don't worry, it'll be good for you.

Anyway, Matthew 5-7 is truly amazing. Every hour I spend with it is like drinking an elixir of life: nourishing, instructive and challenging. Beware, casual reader!

Today's thought comes from chapter 5, verses 29-30."If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell."

You may be thinking, "That is a very grisly passage. Why would you spend your time thinking about about gouging out eyes and cutting off hands? That's sick. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Why am I even reading this? I'd rather go check out my friends on MySpace." (Darn you MySpace!)

Hold on! Don't leave me yet! I'll get to the point as fast as possible. (Darn you, short attention spans!)

Lately I have been rather unhappy, for a number of reasons. One is that my beloved houseguests keep leaving dishes and shoes and unusual personal items in my living room. Another is that our new dog Archie is not fully potty-trained, and every few days leaves little presents in the hallway for me to clean up. Yum.

Okay, okay, those aren't the real reasons; I just wanted to complain a little. Honestly, I'm often not happy because I don't do things that end of the day make me feel useful and accomplished. I for one am happy when I feel that I've accomplished something. Instead I do things that pacify me - like playing games on Yahoo, or watching a lot of TV - and later I kick myself and sulk for being a useless dolt. Why can't I just turn the TV off and pick up that book I've been itching to finish? Or why can't I turn off the computer and practice playing my so cool new mandolin?

Are Yahoo games evil and television evil? I'd say no. But what I'm coming to believe is that some things, while not inherently evil, are nonetheless not good. With video games and television I can spend hours in front of a screen, and when I stand up nothing has changed but I've lost precious time. And for what?

In the above passage, Jesus is teaching, in a nutshell, that nothing is sacred if it causes us to sin. I'm coming to believe that wasting time is sin. I won't take the time to hash out what constitutes "wasting" (since if you enjoy these things, as I do, you may be growing defensive, as I might if I were you), or why I might place value on things like books and a mandolin, but the bottom line is if we are supposed to represent Jesus to the world, then there is no time to waste, is there? Not that everything we do must necessarily be of the ABSOLUTE UTMOST importance, but I do want to live my life intentionally, "making the most of every opportunity."

I'm not going to cut off my hand, but I may cut off our cable. If the television is keeping me from obeying Jesus' teaching, then it needs to go. Same for anything in life: relationships, jobs, obligations, hobbies... anything. There's a lot more that could be said about this, more than I can say now without exhausting your patience. I hope I haven't already done so.

All of us, when making an ethical decision, miss the point by asking, "What can't I do?" I think Jesus would rather have us ask, "What can I do?" It is not the Christian's obligation to avoid sin as much as it is to perpetuate righteousness. That's a key tenet of Jesus' teaching in Sermon on the Mount...

But that is a discussion for another time.