I've been thinking about death ever since I heard about Jason Ray, the UNC mascot who died Monday morning after being struck by a car. I knew Jason. Not well, granted, but I was an Intervarsity small group leader the same time he was, and he was in Angie's adaptation of The Great Divorce. He was a good guy, a little rough around the edges (I'll be honest, I didn't always like him), but he was good. What little I know of him, he was not afraid to say what he was thinking, was not afraid to be open, and had a heart for people. He did a really good job in the Great Divorce, too.
He was 21 or 22 (not sure which). I am 23. And to be honest, I don't really want to die quite yet. I want to live a full life, even though I believe I have a place in heaven after I die, which I believe will overshadow anything I want to experience during this lifetime. But still, I'm kind of afraid of dying.
In my freshman year of college, when I had no friends and spent a lot of time in my room (which I didn't mind), I remember at one point praying about death. Not praying for it - I've never had to contend with suicidal thoughts - but about (please don't laugh, or think me too proud) how much the world would miss out on all my genius (for lack of a better word). As in, "I have so much unique potential, what a waste it would be if it was never realized."
God cured me of that. At the time, I came to terms with my imagined death by realizing that whatever uniqueness had been endowed upon me (my insights, especially), God would not waste. I thought, "Well, if I die, God will take everything he's given to me and give it to someone else to bring to the world." While I still believe that to be somewhat true, it is not the only reason the idea of my death is not so unjust anymore. God has done much to humble me over the years.
I also imagined my funeral. Morbid? Perhaps. I heard a story about a guy who planned his funeral as he waited for cancer to take his life. I thought, "Wow. I'd like to have the chance to plan my own funeral. I'll start with a U2 song." A bit romantic. And a little dumb.
I thought of it again yesterday when I heard this Jars of Clay song. I really wish I could find a link to the music, because it's one of my few favorites. I want this played at my funeral. Not because this is where I am - emotionally, spiritually, intellectually - but where I want to be.
When I go, don't cry for me
In my Father's arms I'll be
The wounds this world left on my soul
Will all be healed and I'll be whole.
There are days when I find myself in that place. Some days I get so fed up with the world that I just long for a better place. A better time, when all tears will be washed away - and not just mine. There are days when I feel a poignant longing when the dream of heaven will be fully realized, and all will be just and right and there will be no sin or grief.
And yet, I fear death. I don't desire it - not fully, not yet. I'm attached to this world, perhaps because I have lots left that I want to do. This world is not as it should be, and I want to live a full life to do what I can to make it more like what it should be. More like heaven, really.
And yet this does not explain why some people are taken before their full potential is realized. Jason's death seems nonsensical. Sudden, quick, without purpose. Popping whatever romantic dreams of death I've conjured.
Or perhaps it's not so nonsensical. Maybe planning my own funeral isn't just romantic hot air. Maybe in both there is an opportunity to consider heaven again, and the promise it holds. Though I'm afraid of dying, I'm not afraid of the after. Though those close to Jason surely will grieve, and I (farther away) will feel melancholy as I contemplate death - is it too cliche to say he may be in a better place?
I'll leave you with a few more lines from that song:
It don't matter where you bury me
I'll be home and I'll be free
It don't matter where I lay
All my tears be washed away
So, weep not for me my friends
When my time below does end
For my life belongs to Him
Who will raise the dead again.
2 comments:
Preston,
I made it to your blog! And glad I did. Thanks for the post.
The J Ray situation has made me contemplate death a lot too, and it has spoken some really difficult words to me. I, too, am afraid of death, I have found. In analyzing why, it's more of the unknown factor than it is fearing that I will not be able to accomplish all that I could here on earth. I can observe how God's ways are best here on earth which makes it easier to believe in him. I cannot see what he holds for me in death which brings on this fear.
By definition, this has revealed a striking lack of faith (hope in the things unseen) in my life. In essence, I have found that I do not trust God with the unknown in my life and death. Yikes.
Needless to say, this whole thing has been eye-opening for me. God truly does redeem everything, even the worst thing. It's nice to know someone else is pondering these events too.
glad to see you made it to my blog. as a fellow blogger, i'm sure you appreciate the affirmation of feedback... knowing more people are listening. :)
ah, death...
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