The Hardest Part

The stars are bright tonight/And I am walking nowhere/And you are always right/And my you are so perfect // I love you just the way you are/I’ll have you just the way you are/I’ll take you just the way you are/Does anybody love the way they are?

Remember that Cranberries song I was listening to last time I sat down to blog? I’m still listening to it. After a draining day or a lousy job interview I know I can turn on “Stars,” sit back, close my eyes, listen, and when it’s done, I feel better, like everything’s going to be okay, and that my problems are really very small.

Last time I wrote that the song reminded me of how people need to love each other unconditionally, and that means being willing to let yourself be changed. I believe it’s a good thought, and I’m very proud of myself for thinking it; but it can be actually very discouraging. I don’t like being open to other people. I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt. That happens with love, because humans are messed up. Short of God I think they always will be. And one of the hardest lessons I am learning, and probably will keep learning all my life, is how to love and be open and be changed, and how to hurt well and not shrink back and cower in the corner.

So what about these lyrics encourages me so much?

When I heard the first verse I thought, “I wonder if Dolores O’Riordan believes in God?” If I was walking at night and looked up at the stars, I would probably think about God. For obvious reasons it does not work to say these are God’s words: I’m not always right (just most of the time), and I’m not perfect.

Lately, I’ve felt compelled to ask some thorny questions about God, like:
- Does God really intervene in our daily lives?
- Why would God let such a ravenously greedy nation as the United States become the world’s dominant cultural and economic power?
- How could God allow a lethargic and egocentric Christian culture to claim his name so obnoxiously?
- Is staying in the church of any advantage when Christians bicker with each other at least as much as they disparage non-Christians?
- Is homosexuality really wrong?
- How should the Bible be interpreted in light of how it was formed?
- How can a good God allow suffering?
- Where is God, when different religious groups say they speak for him (and clearly not all of them can be right)?

They all boil down to one simple question: why did God make life so hard? He could have made it easier. He could have made a world without sin. I’ve heard the standard Christian answer, that God had to let us be free to choose sin or else we’d all be like robots and couldn’t love God like he wants to be loved. Well why not? Why couldn’t he have made us capable of love and incapable of sin? If he’s all-powerful and all-wise, he could have done it. The problem is just that he didn’t. And that makes me mad. Pain and hardship aren’t fun.

That’s one perspective. But consider this:
The stars are bright tonight/A distance is between us/And I will be ok/The worst I’ve ever seen us/And still I have my weaknesses/And still I have my strengths/And still I have my ugliness/But I // I love you just the way you are…

This is my favorite part of “Stars.” Every time O’Riordan belts out ugliness it gives me goosebumps, and the chorus packs twice the emotional punch it had after the first verse. This, I believe, is the source of much of my problem. I’m not just mad at God because of the ugliness in the world: I’m also mad at God because of the ugliness in me. I am selfish: I cause as much pain as I suffer. I’m confused: I don’t always know what’s right and wrong. I am vulnerable. In loving another person there is room for arrogance (quite a bit of room, actually). But I find no such room with God. “Just the way you are” means God is mystery, God is paradox, God is everywhere but still invisible. Basically, God is frustrating. But I can’t figure him out. There will always come a point when I will have to concede, “I don’t know,” and then I have a choice: do I accept God, or walk away? It takes the rawest humility to still say to God, “I will love you just the way you are.” Because then, I’m no longer in control.

The reason this encourages me is because it is so very good for me to let go of my pride and be humbled before God. I still believe that God is good, that he loves me and every other person in this damnable world, and his love will eventually overcome all the sin and ugliness that makes life so hard.

This is what I end up settling on after praying my rants and raves through (and wearing myself out in the process). Why I still believe is a matter I’ll take up another time. For now I’ll say it is because of how God has shown up in my life and in the lives of people I’ve known.

I read somewhere that O’Riordan wrote “Stars” after she had a fight with her husband. That’s interesting, but to me it doesn’t matter. When I hear the song it will take me back to humility, to love, and to God.